things fall apart.

Feeling very, very, very VERY bad.
Listening to rain
Currently addicted to nothing
Currently irritated by everything
Current MSN details: I don't know.
Today's Cards: I can't bring myself to read.


I haven't seen Kel online in a very long time, and I really, really need her right now. She's the only one who takes me seriously enough to listen to me when I've got problems. Everyone else plies me with the "I'll just talk to you when you're feeling better" or "don't say that".

What makes me feel so terrible is not the fact that I'm failing at school, but that no one is around to help. I don't have classes with any friends, or even friends at school, and it's horrible having to feel so alone in the midst of so many people.

A couple of days ago I was feeling fine after a really bad time. And then more shit goes wrong and it's horrible again. History midterm is tomorrow and I'm considering not going at all because I haven't got a clue what to write. Rhetoric drafts due tomorrow, and we have to bring our three sources, and yay, brother didn't even pick up the books I wrote down for him. Yay for being royally fucked!

Yay for being stupid!

Yay loneliness!

Yay yay yay life yay everything! YAY!

school is bland.

Feeling a bit anxious, though I'm slowly toning it down
Listening to "reflex" - culture kultur
Currently addicted to practicing my speech in my head, because I have no other choice but to
Currently irritated by my lack of wristwatch; the smell of weed that's wafting throughout the library comp lab. seriously, someone must've been smoking right before they walked in here. [looks at gruggy looking guy]
Current MSN details: The Prince of Pandemonium: [insert clever remark here]
Today's Cards: Death and The Devil. simply because they're my two visuals for my speech. XD

All right. I'm at school and I've got roughly an hour before CCS starts, meaning I've probably got around an hour and fifteen until I actually speak. So specific! Yes, I'm that crazy over this. I wouldn't be ordinarily, but the first few times I practiced, I wasn't getting better, and I'm still no good. I've practiced non-stop, too! I did it right before I slept, I did it in my dream (I shit you not!), and I did it the moment I woke up! That's just horrible! [cries] And I STILL don't have it down! Aaaaah!

[tries to tell self that it's only one presentation and it's okay to totally FUCK EVERYTHING UP FOREVER AND EVER. AMEN.]

People have been giving my visuals some crazy looks, especially The Devil. [laughs] I wonder what they think of it. Curiosity, perhaps...but maybe they think I worship the devil! AHH NO! OMG BETTER WATCH OUT OR I'M GONNA CORRUPT YOUR INNOCENT LITTLE CHRISTIAN CHILDREN! Oh please. That's exactly what I'm doing my presentation on.

Tarot isn't devil worship! For the 953859305828th time! YARRR! (nor is Tarot a pirate. that I know of, at least.)

Mwaaa, I think that's all I've got to say on that. Though maybe writing out I'MGONNAFAIL subconsciously calms me. [laughs]

On a shit-tastic-day note, I forgot my watch at home! Arrrghhh! I can't live without knowing the time and date every minute! I just... [bursts into tears] ...I feel so naked without it! How will I know when I have to go to class?! It's terrible how you realize the lack of clocks in a given place when you don't have a watch. >.<

TERRIBLE! ;o;

hey, there were a lot of caps in this post. I'M CRRRAZZEEEH!

o, the serpent doth slither...

Feeling love-y and obsess-y! ♥♥♥GALORE!♥♥♥
Listening to "Reise In Die Unendlichkeit" - Mechanical Horizon
Currently addicted to Lucy, blood, simplicity, black, white, Lucy, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell (and on that note, John Uskglass), Mary Reilly (movie version, but the book is teh shit too), astronomy, cheap ballpoint pen sketches of Sorin, Eiryun's long legs (or just his boots, really XD)...and more Lucy. <3
Currently irritated by not being able to see the stars at night because of the fog, which is irritating because I'm supposed to love fog, and I do. I'm so torn. snf.
Current MSN details: God knows, I haven't been on in ages. ;o;
Today's Cards: Page of Pentacles

Remember me? No? Neither do I, don't worry about it. XD
Check this shite out, I love him I love him I LOVE HIM OHMAHGAWD LUCY. <3


[click for full-size version]
I have no clue what got me into this horrid obsession with my own character (like it doesn't happen often, hahaha). I had just finished drawing a Kouyu Shurei (Alichino) style Eiryun for the Shurei-Club contest on dA and was kind of frustrated afterwards when I was practicing her eye style. 'Reise In Die Unendlichkeit' decided to come on at that moment and I angrily scribbled out some very goth-looking sketch and I fell in love with it. [laughs] I guess it can't be goth if it's actually good, though. WAHA! There was only one person it could be, though I wasn't conscious of who that was when I was drawing it (I was spaced out while I did this). It had to be Lucy because I'd drawn a shadow behind him with horns on it, and I'd given him faint sketchy ponytails. x3

So yeah, I scanned it, went over it cleanly in Photoshop (I've been fucking around in PS a lot because simple black-white images are easier to do there), and that up there is what's come out of it so far. No, I'm not done yet, and his face still needs a bit of working on. Not to mention he's like, five times bigger than that in reality (oy, resize!). >.x

As for the bad text, I'm quite sorry. XD I was working on the wallpaper version at midnight while I was doped up on migraine meds (which didn't work too well until later), and that was the best I could think of. But it suits him well, with the serpent crap and the badly-executed obsolete English. Sorry. [laughs] I like it, for some reason. It just fits him really well. Yey. n,n d

Okay, enough of my Lucy-obsession and onto...duh duh duh! JONATHAN STRANGE & MR NORRELL! I'm almost equally obsessed--no, no I'm not. My Lucy obsession surpasses this book about three thousand times. [laughs] But it's still damn good and I fall more in love with it the more I read. Yesterday and the day before I read through about...almost one third of it, which is excellent progress, wheeee. Now I'm on Volume Three and I'm dying to read it because this third is entitled John Uskglass and gawd, I'm in love with him. Surprise. XD He's not even a tangible character in the book but from everything mentioned of him, I'm sitting there like, 'Mmmm sexellently magical Raven King.' [laughs]

I think I'm a Strangite. Norrell is a bastard and I kind of hope he dies before the book ends. [laughs evilly] Strange is sooooo much awesomer. I'm in love with him too. XDDD No, everyone, I am not in love with him because he's pretty, because it's plainly stated that he's not. [laughs] He's just that great. He's more open to magic and thinks the Raven King is an important aspect of magic, while Norrell's just some cranky, stingy old bag who hates my lovely Raven King. XD

Fuck you, Mr Norrell! If you don't redeem yourself by the time the book ends, I'll hate you for all eternity!

...ahaha. xD
Oh, and p.s. Stephen Black is also an awesome character. YEY I love this book. <3

Ah, I just noticed I haven't mentioned anything about school. Umm, it's not bad at all. I just go twice a week, four classes, that's all. The only thing that really sucks is the long break I have between history and CCS. My history class gets out at 1345 (and most of the time, way earlier) and speech class starts at 1530. Sucks. -.- I have a sort-of long break before history as well, but my brother and I usually just eat lunch during that time, so it's not as bad. Waaaa! Sometimes having no friends does suck because everything is so boring. I've just been taking up that long break with reading but I don't know what I'll do once I'm done with Jonathan Strange. ;-;

As for CCS (the Chicano Studies Speech class my brother accidentally and irreversably put me in), I'm actually liking it a lot. The instructor makes everything a lot of fun, and the Chicano thing is really downplayed. Our next speech doesn't even have anything to do with that whole subject, even. I think I'll do mine on Tarot, swoooosh. XD It's a really easy class, too...unlike the other speech classes, we just have to get up and do our presentations (in a really comfortable environment...no one's uptight at all) and we don't have to do speech outlines or whatever. It's great. ^^ [points and laughs at regular speech classes, as they meet thrice a week and have to do notes and shite]

Now I am done. [waves fan]