Feeling not too well...
Listening to the last samurai soundtrack
Currently addicted to the sims, tarot, planning my writing
Currently irritated by school
Randomness: "seymour = sex on legs" ~ requiem (quote totally made my day)
I honestly don't think I've ever felt more lonely than I do right now.
I find it strange because I seem to have lots of good friends, but the thing is, none of them are around physically.
School is especially bad. In high school, no matter how much I hated it, there was always at least one person to talk to, like Liz last year. Now there's no one at all. I suppose that's not such a bad thing, but even the most anti-social need company sometimes. And I'm not quite that far gone. I'd still like one or two good friends to hang around with. I guess I'm not really the type who gets along well with a group of friends, but I'm not really wanting a group. Just one or two people.
[laughs quietly] I think I might just be mood-swinging because it's that time of the month, or because my tablet is dead and it's left me with so many unfinished items on my list, which in turn is stressing me out, along with school projects that have suddenly popped up out of nowhere on me.
Nonetheless, it doesn't change the fact that I'm lonely. Perhaps writing will help my mood a little. People in high school used to ask me why I wasted my time making up such ridiculously detailed characters. I do it because they're all I've really got...they never leave me, they never let me down, they're always there when I need them. I just wish they could do a bit more for me sometimes. They're living, breathing people to me...not just fiction. I care about them, I honestly do. If others find that strange, then they can find it strange all they want. But it isn't to me.
Writing is how I can get away from everything, if only just momentarily. If it can make me forget everything I don't want to worry about, then I'll keep doing it, even if it's not any good, or no one else is interested. I'm mostly doing it for myself, but I also want to publish my work so that anyone else in need of an escape can share my own personal portal into that other world...where there are people who care, issues to be passionate about, feelings to be touched....
With that said, it's only a month until my Thomas's birthday, and I don't think anyone realizes how much he really means to me. It actually never totally dawned on me until yesterday evening. Sure, he's just a character to you, a figment of my imagination, but he helped me realize so many things about myself. In a way, he is me, and I am him. As he develops, I learn more about myself. He may not have been around for as long as some of my other characters, but he's been around for quite some time. He made himself present in days like these, where I felt alone and down, and he's never been completely away from my side from that time. So here's to six years of a constant companion, and to an eternity waiting in the stars. [smiles]
To you, all this may seem like mindless rambling, but I assure you, it's not. Perhaps I'll look back on this and wonder what in the hell was wrong with me, but for now, I mean every last word, and I feel better for having let them out.
I'm sorry if this was angsty and livejournal-y, and overly dramatic...I don't let this sort of thing out that often, though... Perhaps not often enough. I'm not asking for pity; only for an outlet. This is my outlet; you don't have to read it.
Listening to the last samurai soundtrack
Currently addicted to the sims, tarot, planning my writing
Currently irritated by school
Randomness: "seymour = sex on legs" ~ requiem (quote totally made my day)
I honestly don't think I've ever felt more lonely than I do right now.
I find it strange because I seem to have lots of good friends, but the thing is, none of them are around physically.
School is especially bad. In high school, no matter how much I hated it, there was always at least one person to talk to, like Liz last year. Now there's no one at all. I suppose that's not such a bad thing, but even the most anti-social need company sometimes. And I'm not quite that far gone. I'd still like one or two good friends to hang around with. I guess I'm not really the type who gets along well with a group of friends, but I'm not really wanting a group. Just one or two people.
[laughs quietly] I think I might just be mood-swinging because it's that time of the month, or because my tablet is dead and it's left me with so many unfinished items on my list, which in turn is stressing me out, along with school projects that have suddenly popped up out of nowhere on me.
Nonetheless, it doesn't change the fact that I'm lonely. Perhaps writing will help my mood a little. People in high school used to ask me why I wasted my time making up such ridiculously detailed characters. I do it because they're all I've really got...they never leave me, they never let me down, they're always there when I need them. I just wish they could do a bit more for me sometimes. They're living, breathing people to me...not just fiction. I care about them, I honestly do. If others find that strange, then they can find it strange all they want. But it isn't to me.
Writing is how I can get away from everything, if only just momentarily. If it can make me forget everything I don't want to worry about, then I'll keep doing it, even if it's not any good, or no one else is interested. I'm mostly doing it for myself, but I also want to publish my work so that anyone else in need of an escape can share my own personal portal into that other world...where there are people who care, issues to be passionate about, feelings to be touched....
With that said, it's only a month until my Thomas's birthday, and I don't think anyone realizes how much he really means to me. It actually never totally dawned on me until yesterday evening. Sure, he's just a character to you, a figment of my imagination, but he helped me realize so many things about myself. In a way, he is me, and I am him. As he develops, I learn more about myself. He may not have been around for as long as some of my other characters, but he's been around for quite some time. He made himself present in days like these, where I felt alone and down, and he's never been completely away from my side from that time. So here's to six years of a constant companion, and to an eternity waiting in the stars. [smiles]
To you, all this may seem like mindless rambling, but I assure you, it's not. Perhaps I'll look back on this and wonder what in the hell was wrong with me, but for now, I mean every last word, and I feel better for having let them out.
I'm sorry if this was angsty and livejournal-y, and overly dramatic...I don't let this sort of thing out that often, though... Perhaps not often enough. I'm not asking for pity; only for an outlet. This is my outlet; you don't have to read it.
No comments:
Post a Comment